A Little Life Update - Not Doing the Best

Hi, Little Leaves. 

First, I'm going to start posting on Saturday mornings. I find it the easiest, sorry it took me a while to figure that out. 

Second, I haven't been doing the greatest. I feel like I may have taken a step back in my healing process. That's okay though. It happens.

One minute, you're doing okay and taking care of yourself. The next, you're back to laying in bed all day, barely eating or overeating, procrastinating on things, and wondering what triggered all of it.

That's kind of where I've been this past week.

I've had a hard time finding motivation to do much of anything. Even the things I normally enjoy have felt like work. I've been putting things off, spending more time in bed, and just generally not feeling like myself.

I think one of the hardest parts is knowing that I was doing better. When you've made progress, struggling again can make all of that process disappear overnight. My first instinct is to be frustrated with myself and think, "here we go again."

But I'm trying not to look at it that way.

Healing was never going to be a straight line. Having a bad week doesn't erase the good weeks that came before it. It doesn't erase the work I've put into myself or everything I've learned along the way. Sometimes things just get hard again.

And right now, things are a little hard.

I'm still working through my anxiety. I'm still trying to take better care of myself. I'm still learning how to listen to what my mind and body need instead of constantly fighting against them. Some days I'm better at that than others.

This week, I haven't been very good at it.

I've procrastinated. I've stayed in bed when I knew getting up might make me feel better. I've let little responsibilities pile up until they felt much bigger than they actually were. And then I've gotten frustrated with myself for doing all of those things.

It's a cycle I'm trying to break.

I think sometimes I put too much pressure on myself to constantly be getting better. When I have a few good days, I start thinking I've finally made it through the hard part. Then a bad week comes along, and suddenly it feels like I'm right back where I started.

Right now, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. I don't need to fix everything at once. Some days, getting out of bed, eating something, getting a little work done, or doing something I enjoy is enough.

I also don't want to pretend that I have some big lesson to share at the end of this. I'm still struggling. I'm still figuring things out, and that's kind of the point of this blog. I want to share the messy parts too, not just talk about them once they're over.

So, that's my little update for this week. I'm hoping the next one will be a little easier, but for now, I'm going to keep trying.

One more thing... just because nobody else can see your struggles, it doesn't mean you aren't actually struggling. You are a person with valid feelings too.

I'll talk to you next Saturday, Little Leaves. ♡

— Autumn